My Last Stand-Up

This is the gig I would have done had I carried on. It's my present to you - enjoy.


The weather has been rotten this summer, hasn’t it? To cheer myself up, I like nothing better than having something nice and juicy in my hand that I can grab by the bottom and push up in my mouth. Then maybe I'll have an ice lolly...
I’ve just come back from a caravan holiday. All the guys had shaven heads, these long shorts and the same tops on. It was like someone had rounded up the east end of Glasgow. I mean, who else straightens their hair and puts on the orange foundation to go to the puggies?
My boyfriend is a handyman. Many a day sees him going round to some woman's house with his large tool to loosen her sticky drawers. Sex with a woodworker isn’t very exciting – it’s just hammering, nailing and screwing. Plane really. I hate going to DIY shops - it gets on my Wickes when I have to mind my Bs and Qs. I find it hard to Focus.
Mind you, apparently once you hit your 40s, you should try being a bit experimental. To get back in his good books, I suggested trying something new in the bedroom. He said I could start with hoovering...
I don't get all these vampire shows and movies [like Twilight and True Blood]. If something wet, warm and sticky is going to be sprayed on MY tits, I don't want it to be my own blood! Plus it's us women who end up doing the sucking, don't we? They don’t call her “Sookie” Stackhouse for nothing. If I want to spend all night raising a hairy beast from the dead, I'll hide the cock ring and the Viagra! I want a boyfriend who becomes a plastic container on the full moon – A Tupperwerewolf. And what kind of choices are our daughters getting? You can have a vampire or a werewolf – basically necrophilia or bestiality. Forget Team Edward and Team Jacob, how about Team David and Team Nick? – a bloodsucker and a bitch who’s happy to roll over.
I saw a group of Twilighters waiting outside the pictures for “New Moon”. I asked them if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. All together, they went “Uh, derp”. “Team Jacob then.”
I was in the West End of Glasgow with my mate. It was nice so we went for a wee picnic in the Botanic Gardens. When we finished, we threw the crumbs for the pigeons. They totally turned up their beaks at my friend's offerings but were up and crowded round me, taking bits from my hands. Why? Well, I was breaking bits off out the crusts from a Gregg's Macaroni Pie while she was trying to feed them bloody Japanese Rice crackers from Waitrose. I can imagine the poor wee things almost starving to death, what with the Tallulahs and Oscars trying to get them to eat rice cakes and carrot batons. I can just see them all, sickened with all that sushi, hummus and pitta bread. There they are, a squadron of them dive bombing the chippy in Shettleston to get a Pizza Crunch. Have you had the pleasure? A deep fried pizza in batter. And they say we don't have a cuisine in the East End!