As some of you may know (and some of you may not) I have been suffering with ME/ Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia for 7 years now. Although it hit me pretty hard at first, causing me to go from full-time work to part-time with lots of sick leave then to give up work altogether in 2008 and with the added fun of additional health problems that have seen me hospitalised on several occasions and parting company with my gallbladder, for the past few years I have been managing my disability/ condition/ call it what you will with over-the-counter medication.
Lulled into what has turned out to be a false sense of security, I joined a stand up comedy class in the spring of this year and was enjoying it, doing gigs and such like.
However, last week, all of my symptoms returned and it felt as if I was back to square one. For those of you unfamiliar with ME and Fibro, this means severe pain in all of my joints, including my hands, fingers and toes, plus the pain of lesions in my muscles, mostly in my back and shoulders but also in my upper chest. This is accompanied by extreme tiredness and mental fogginess/ clumsiness.
I went to my GP and he gave my Amitriptyline, which is a tri-cyclic anti-depressant that is also used in lower doses to treat the sympoms of my condition. I started off with 10mg and am now up to 30mg, rising in the next week to 50mg. Initially this does give me a feeling of euphoria and wellbeing so I was able at the weekend to both travel to Edinburgh to see a show and then go out 2 nights later to see another.
On Monday there, the backwave hit me, so to speak. I had 4 open mic spots in my calendar over the next 2 weeks, 3 of them in Edinburgh - one I had cancelled already. Although I have new material written, I was finding it increasingly difficult to get any of it to stick in my drug-addled brain (I have also been taking regular high doses of Co-codamol). The prospect of not only being woefully unprepared but also of travelling back and forth 3 times cross-country filled me with dread and fear. I was in a very dark place and from there I cancelled all of my upcoming and future gigs and removed myself as admin and member of a comedy group on Facebook. I am the child of a bi-polar parent and when under stress, I do burn bridges and when I make a decision in that state, however rash, I stick to it.
And that is where I am - the pressure is off and it feels better. I am sad that I have had to conclude that stand-up isn't an avenue open to me - the prospect of gigging late at night and travelling to and from gigs has been a worry for me from day one. No matter what folks say, it's hard to stand up, even for 5 minutes, when every nerve ending feels like it is on fire.
I'm glad I did the stand-up - I can look back and say "I did that" - and I know I was fairly good at it. I made some good friends but know that without the comedy there, they'll soon fall away (I took the initiative on Facebook and removed myself from the lists of people that I haven't had any dialogue with really anyway and all comedy related groups) and I'm OK with that, being a bit of a lone wolf anyway.
With all my pain and woes, I should be the perfect stand-up as these tears are real, but they are too real and I am a coward and a quitter.
Thanks to everyone who has supported and encouraged me. I am sorry that I'm letting you down but it's for the best. Much love XXX
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