Fannying About

On my way to uni the other night, I picked up a copy of the Metro free newspaper and saw an article entitled “Sexual Healing” by Vicki-Marie Cossar about a man called Mike Lousada (or was it Mike Litoris?) who offers “hope to women who are pre-orgasmic and those who want to overcome sexual abuse issues”. Now alarm bells went off right away – “pre-orgasmic” I thought just means prior to an orgasm and anyone who has suffered sexual abuse needs a great deal of support and counselling.
Basically the article described how Mike, described as a sex therapist, Tantric practitioner and “orgasm guru” jills you off under the guise of “healing”. For £100 an hour in multiple sessions lasting up to 3 hours he will massage your ladybits into waves of ecstasy.
He claims to have trained in “body psychotherapy” which fair enough is a recognised branch of Freudian therapy but also “sexual healing” (under the tutelage of a Dr. M. Gaye no doubt) and “bio-energetics” which is a scientific branch of biochemistry that deals with the making and breaking of chemical bonds at a molecular level – pretty impressive if he can do that to you by fingering your bush.
Which is what he does. Either in a sarong or naked (both of you) he carries out “inter-vaginal massage” in his “home-cum-massage parlour” (with the emphasis firmly on “cum”) where he asks permission of your “yoni” if he may enter!
I read another 3 articles by another 3 female journalists including the feminist author Naomi Wolf who refused Mike’s welcome of an offer of the full Monty and got him to admit “I suppose you could say I’m a prostitute” – no shit! He also says “I don’t generally have intercourse with my clients unless it’s extremely therapeutic” – for whom I may ask?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no issue with this. If women want to pay a guy to bring them to climax in a relaxing and unrushed manner in a safe environment, that’s their business – some studies show that 1% of women have done exactly that. Just don’t dress it up in psychobabble and mumbo-jumbo and try to make it sound all New Age and mystical by “connecting with your inner goddess”.
As I have said before I have dabbled in paganism and alternative therapies. I do use herbs and aromatherapy. I just have a problem with vulnerable people parting with cash for snake oil. I’m also mightily concerned that Mike is apparently trying to negotiate with the NHS to offer his “services” to patients. First of all, I’m totally against any unproved therapies such as homeopathy or chiropractics being recommended to people in place of scientifically proven methods. As part of my ME treatment route I was given a referral to the Glasgow Homoeopathic Hospital (yes, there is one – I’m having to wait months for a referral to the eye hospital for my Grave’s Disease but got an appointment there almost right away) where a man who looked like the Doctor Snuggles spent an hour asking me about my family then concluded my problems stemmed from a chest infection (which I had told him about so it reminded me of cold reading) and sent me away with not only 3 wee packets of powders that I promptly binned but a link to his website. To further add bio-chemical salt to the wound, when contacted by the Department of Work and Pensions regarding my visit to him (I was naively honest in my application for Disability Living Allowance about who I had seen) instead of saying that he had seen me 4 months ago so couldn’t comment on my then current health, he as far as he was concerned on the basis of one consultation told them that I was fine!
I used to work with a woman who made no mention of any special skills during my time with her (where I foolishly covered her ass on a couple of occasions only to have her shaft mine to further her ambitions) but after doing a business-start up course is now marketing herself as a healer and psychic medium via her website. I respect people’s beliefs but in my travels I have come across so many people who are out make a buck from genuinely damaged people. I also believe that if you can truly help people by harnessing the powers of the universe, surely you should offer this in kindness and free of charge or in exchange as it comes freely to you? Why do you never meet a poor mystic? I mean, those crystals and tie-dyes don’t buy themselves.
But back to our guru who funnily enough used to be an investment banker. This shaman (with the emphasis firmly on “sham”) has seen a way to exploit our already thinly stretched and woefully under funded health service at a time while our govern-mentals are trying to sell it off. This will mean that vital resources and funding that should go into the research and treatment of devastating diseases and conditions not only such as cancer and mental illness but ME and Fibromyalgia instead may line the pockets of bullshit shovelers.
Now, excuse me. I’m feeling a wee bit stressed after all this and have an appointment with my Rampant Rabbit, a Barry White CD and a Dominic West poster x

Resources
“ Sexual Healing” by Vickie Marie Cossar (Metro 3/10/11)
“Reclaiming my yoni with the guru of Chalk Farm” by Naomi Wolf (Sunday Times 29/8/10)
“Doctor Feelgood” by Rosie Rouse (Natural Healing magazine May 2011)
“He tickles me and feeds me strawberries but all I can think of is my children - so could a Tantric sex guru really rekindle my middle-aged libido?” by Lucy Cavendish (Daily Mail 13/9/10)