My Last Stand-Up

This is the gig I would have done had I carried on. It's my present to you - enjoy.


The weather has been rotten this summer, hasn’t it? To cheer myself up, I like nothing better than having something nice and juicy in my hand that I can grab by the bottom and push up in my mouth. Then maybe I'll have an ice lolly...
I’ve just come back from a caravan holiday. All the guys had shaven heads, these long shorts and the same tops on. It was like someone had rounded up the east end of Glasgow. I mean, who else straightens their hair and puts on the orange foundation to go to the puggies?
My boyfriend is a handyman. Many a day sees him going round to some woman's house with his large tool to loosen her sticky drawers. Sex with a woodworker isn’t very exciting – it’s just hammering, nailing and screwing. Plane really. I hate going to DIY shops - it gets on my Wickes when I have to mind my Bs and Qs. I find it hard to Focus.
Mind you, apparently once you hit your 40s, you should try being a bit experimental. To get back in his good books, I suggested trying something new in the bedroom. He said I could start with hoovering...
I don't get all these vampire shows and movies [like Twilight and True Blood]. If something wet, warm and sticky is going to be sprayed on MY tits, I don't want it to be my own blood! Plus it's us women who end up doing the sucking, don't we? They don’t call her “Sookie” Stackhouse for nothing. If I want to spend all night raising a hairy beast from the dead, I'll hide the cock ring and the Viagra! I want a boyfriend who becomes a plastic container on the full moon – A Tupperwerewolf. And what kind of choices are our daughters getting? You can have a vampire or a werewolf – basically necrophilia or bestiality. Forget Team Edward and Team Jacob, how about Team David and Team Nick? – a bloodsucker and a bitch who’s happy to roll over.
I saw a group of Twilighters waiting outside the pictures for “New Moon”. I asked them if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. All together, they went “Uh, derp”. “Team Jacob then.”
I was in the West End of Glasgow with my mate. It was nice so we went for a wee picnic in the Botanic Gardens. When we finished, we threw the crumbs for the pigeons. They totally turned up their beaks at my friend's offerings but were up and crowded round me, taking bits from my hands. Why? Well, I was breaking bits off out the crusts from a Gregg's Macaroni Pie while she was trying to feed them bloody Japanese Rice crackers from Waitrose. I can imagine the poor wee things almost starving to death, what with the Tallulahs and Oscars trying to get them to eat rice cakes and carrot batons. I can just see them all, sickened with all that sushi, hummus and pitta bread. There they are, a squadron of them dive bombing the chippy in Shettleston to get a Pizza Crunch. Have you had the pleasure? A deep fried pizza in batter. And they say we don't have a cuisine in the East End!

Why I Am Giving Up On Stand-Up

As some of you may know (and some of you may not) I have been suffering with ME/ Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia for 7 years now. Although it hit me pretty hard at first, causing me to go from full-time work to part-time with lots of sick leave then to give up work altogether in 2008 and with the added fun of additional health problems that have seen me hospitalised on several occasions and parting company with my gallbladder, for the past few years I have been managing my disability/ condition/ call it what you will with over-the-counter medication.
Lulled into what has turned out to be a false sense of security, I joined a stand up comedy class in the spring of this year and was enjoying it, doing gigs and such like.
However, last week, all of my symptoms returned and it felt as if I was back to square one. For those of you unfamiliar with ME and Fibro, this means severe pain in all of my joints, including my hands, fingers and toes, plus the pain of lesions in my muscles, mostly in my back and shoulders but also in my upper chest. This is accompanied by extreme tiredness and mental fogginess/ clumsiness.
I went to my GP and he gave my Amitriptyline, which is a tri-cyclic anti-depressant that is also used in lower doses to treat the sympoms of my condition. I started off with 10mg and am now up to 30mg, rising in the next week to 50mg. Initially this does give me a feeling of euphoria and wellbeing so I was able at the weekend to both travel to Edinburgh to see a show and then go out 2 nights later to see another.
On Monday there, the backwave hit me, so to speak. I had 4 open mic spots in my calendar over the next 2 weeks, 3 of them in Edinburgh - one I had cancelled already. Although I have new material written, I was finding it increasingly difficult to get any of it to stick in my drug-addled brain (I have also been taking regular high doses of Co-codamol). The prospect of not only being woefully unprepared but also of travelling back and forth 3 times cross-country filled me with dread and fear. I was in a very dark place and from there I cancelled all of my upcoming and future gigs and removed myself as admin and member of a comedy group on Facebook. I am the child of a bi-polar parent and when under stress, I do burn bridges and when I make a decision in that state, however rash, I stick to it.
And that is where I am - the pressure is off and it feels better. I am sad that I have had to conclude that stand-up isn't an avenue open to me - the prospect of gigging late at night and travelling to and from gigs has been a worry for me from day one. No matter what folks say, it's hard to stand up, even for 5 minutes, when every nerve ending feels like it is on fire.
I'm glad I did the stand-up - I can look back and say "I did that" - and I know I was fairly good at it. I made some good friends but know that without the comedy there, they'll soon fall away (I took the initiative on Facebook and removed myself from the lists of people that I haven't had any dialogue with really anyway and all comedy related groups) and I'm OK with that, being a bit of a lone wolf anyway.
With all my pain and woes, I should be the perfect stand-up as these tears are real, but they are too real and I am a coward and a quitter.
Thanks to everyone who has supported and encouraged me. I am sorry that I'm letting you down but it's for the best. Much love XXX

Changing Down And Finding My Neutral Space

I saw my own doctor this morning - I was shocked to find out that it has been SEVEN years since my initial diagnosis! He did listen to me a bit better this time (tears and sniffles helped) amd so has put me back onto Amitriptyline (starting at 1 x 10mg, rising to 50mg by increasing by adding 10mg every 3 days - I had to get him to write that down). He has also referred me to rheumatology for my Fibro and is encouraging me to go to the Pain Association group (even if it does sound a bit S&M).
So, suitably medicined and with encouragement from my comedy chums, I'm going to be a sit-down comedian and get some writing done.

It's Just Not Funny

For those of you expecting news of my holiday, sorry, you'll have to wait.
Right now, I am in a real downward spiral and can see no way out.
I've just come back from a fruitless assessment at physiotherapy, where I have been told that my pain is not "acute" so it will be at least 8 weeks til I am seen next.
Add to that a massive ME/ Fibromyalgia flare-up which has had me begging for mercy for the best part of a week. I got an emergency appointment with the newest doctor in our practice on Friday - what a joke! First of all, she confused ME with MS for fuck's sake then started going on about heartburn! When I told her the last lot of anti-inflammatories I got were giving me the shits, she tried to give me another tablet for that, then said it would be OK as the opiate she was prescribing made you constipated!
So I have spent the weekend in a co-codamol haze - I am on 1 gram every 4 hours - and am really at rock bottom. I have cancelled my first open spot in Edinburgh which was due to be next Monday as I can't even remember my own name, never mind any gags and I can't stand up to do stand-up. I really feel like just jacking it all in - like, who am I kidding except myself?

We're All Going On A Summer Holiday

Yes, I know Cliff's a c**t but you can't be heading off on your Billies and not sing it. I am heading off to Haven tomorrow. I wish it was Haven as in Serenity, where Shepherd Book lived before the Alliance attacked it, but instead it's the caravan park, so will probably look more like it has been attacked by (Border) Reavers. It's going to be pretty basic - me, Gee, Vee, our dog Roxie Ribbons on her very first holiday with us plus our 2 very best mates - but it's going to be a nice change and I'm looking forward to it.
I'm taking my comedy writing to work on a new set as (cue drum roll) I have been offered another 2 open spots in Edinburgh during the Fringe, with a group called Fresh Faces. I'll be on at the Globe on the 9th and the White Horse on the 17th. I'll post more info on my Facebook page when I get back.
Be good - see you in a week Jx

Im-patients

I was back at the doctor's today - saw a different one and she actually had a look at my foot, thinks it might be my tendon so has referred me for bloods (to rule out anything else) and to physio.
Anyway, while I was waiting, I was ready to slap a couple of women, which isn't like me but read on. Now, our doctors' practice isn't one of those where you are in and out in 5 minutes - all of them like to have a good chat with you. Plus things happen - staff are on holiday, emergencies/ triage - and today was a bad day with both doctors on shift running an hour late on appointments. The reception staff were being really helpful and I usually anticipate a wait anyway, so had a book. However there were 2 women who were making a fuss. The first was an older woman who was telling anyone who would listen (i.e. no-one in particular) in a loud voice that she had been waiting and that it was ridiculous etc, etc, etc. The second was a younger woman who was obviously having other issues as her mobile kept going off and she was on it swearing at someone - she was really agitated. Now, I appreciate that people are in pain/ not feeling well but so am I, which is why I am in the flaming surgery. I really wanted to say something, point out to them that OK, they were having to wait, but they weren't in obvious need or close to death and possibly there was a situation that needed priority over theirs and that even our sometimes crappy NHS is miles better than healthcare in other countries e.g. the US. But I suspected that any comment I made would just wind them up more, so I just read my book and waited. I suspect that as both of them were in and out, it was something really minor that could have been handled by a pharmacist or the practice nurse - another thing that gets my goat!
I think people have forgotten how to wait and to be patient. So many people seem to want it here and want it now like spoilt little kids, when what they need is a punch in the chops.

Happy Birthday Gee!

Today is my other half's 45th birthday. He has had 25 birthdays since we got together, which is kind of sweet. We didn't do much in the way of prezzies as we are away on holiday soon so are keeping money by for spendies but I did make him a chocolate cake and some veggie quesadillas for tea, which were yummy.
We went into town, primarily to get him some new duds for our holiday, as he tends to dress like either the tradesman he is (in steampunk overalls) or like The Dude from "The Big Lebowski"! Under the Tranny-and-Boozanah-like influence of our darling daughter and myself, he managed to pick up a cool tee, a shirt, a top and a hat, so he will look like he is on holiday and not there to mend stuff.
I had some birthday money to spend as well and it went on the new Firefly/ Serenity graphic comic (yes, I am a Browncoat folks and today's pic is the cover)and some perfume from Lush (who were doing one of their specials and gave me 3 bath bombs and a face mask too).
I'm now slightly pickled, having had some Calvados and some wine with my dinner (I don't drink normally but it's a special occasion) and we are going to sit down soon to watch "MicMacs".
On a comedy note, I also managed to nab some tickets for Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow in Glasgow, but sorry, they are all spoken for.
Jx